Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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