don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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