$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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