her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
