also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
