I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
