I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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