Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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