Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
