you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
