You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
