what day is it and did you see me today?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
