you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
