I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had to cum in my sink.
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