Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
