Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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