I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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