watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
