I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
