All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
