Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
