Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
