It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
