i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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