Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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