The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
