I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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