i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
