I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
