Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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