was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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