The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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