Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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