bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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