wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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