He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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