fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
