All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
