im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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