she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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