Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
