dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
did i just pee glitter
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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