why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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