I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
