A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Randomize
