omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
