How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
