I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
