I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
