I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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