Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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