you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
sarcasm needs its own font
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
