some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
