it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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